Raising Baby
by The Dark Wrote
Summary: Crazy hi-jinks occur when raising a baby in the lost city of Atlantis. A speculation of a scene that could easily take place in season 5. SLASH & MENTIONS OF M-PREG


**RAISING BABY**

Teyla's son, Kanaan, named for his father, had to be one of the luckiest babies in two galaxies. He had tons of would-be baby sitters and plenty of people to adore him in all his spit and dirty diaper glory. But most importantly, besides for having a kick-ass mom, he had three of the coolest uncles a kid could ask for.

Granted Kanaan couldn't talk yet, he was still perfecting spit bubbles, but that's beside the point.

It was never more obvious just how lucky a kid he was until the _Daedalus_ docked at Atlantis, dropping off new supplies when he was five months old. The first off-world team was excited somewhat because it meant that the things they had asked for to raise a baby had finally arrived. And as fantastic as a lost city of Ancients could be, Atlantis just didn't have the right equipment for a infant. Neither was having the best scientific minds that Earth could offer really any help.

Teyla pulled out bits and pieces of clothing from one of the boxes that had been delivered to her room. She hummed in appreciation, pulling out a sweater that would be perfect for when it got cold in the city. Beside her John sat, Kanaan in his hands, bouncing the little boy a little on his knee. The pair of them would chuckle together over some of the selections that Jeannie Miller had picked out and sent via ship mail.

"Okay _that_ just screams 'McKay'," grinned John at one particular piece of clothing that Teyla was holding up.

"I would have to agree," Teyla smiled, shaking her head. Warm brown eyes glanced over at the scientist as he sat on the floor, messing with the various parts of a mobile. "Jeannie Miller is sometimes frighteningly very much like her brother."

John chuckled. "The advantages of growing up together."

The particular piece of clothing they were talking about was onesie for Kanaan on those 'special occasions' as a post-it note had stated. That special occasion was probably for when Rodney would take the baby to the lab with him when none of the others were capable of doing so themselves. In bold, black writing across the front, it was written 'I'M A BABY AND I JUST POOPED MYSELF. WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?'.

"Hey Sheppard," called Ronon, also sitting on the floor. He was going through a box of the various knick-knacks needed for taking care of a baby. He held up a square yellow sign with black bordering around the edge, also with black writing proclaiming 'BABY ON BOARD'. "McKay's sister says this one is for you."

Laughing, John caught the sign as Ronon tossed it to him. He shook his head at it before sitting it beside him on the bed that he and Teyla were on. "Yeah, that one is definitely going on the 'jumper."

"My sister is insane," muttered Rodney, part of the mobile in one hand and a screwdriver in the other. He pointed over his shoulder at a semi-large box sitting against the wall. "She even sent a car-seat along too."

John eyed the box thoughtfully then turned to Teyla with a little hopeful gleam in his eyes. "Hey Teyla...?"

"Maybe later, John," Teyla smiled, shaking her head in amusement. "After we have eaten lunch today, perhaps."

"Cool," grinned the pilot, mentally rubbing his hands together in delight, seeing as he still had Kanaan in his actual hands in reality.

Rodney looked up and stared. "Oh, you cannot be _serious_, Teyla! You're going to let that maniac put your son in a 'jumper and fly around with him? The poor child is going to have issues when he grows up. He'll need a therapist to get over his fear of flying."

"Ah Rodney, you doubt me?"

"No colonel, I don't doubt you," Rodney stated. He arched an eyebrow at his team leader. "I do however have a fear of you when you go joyriding."'

John pouted.

"Lighten up, McKay," Ronon said, picking up a pack of pacifiers. He threw them over his shoulder when he couldn't figure out what they were for. "You could always go with him instead of sitting here bitching."

"Please. Do I _look_ like I have a death wish?"

"Boys," cautioned Teyla, a certain lilt to her voice, one all women are born with in preparation of motherhood. She new she'd have no problem with Kanaan when he got older; she had practice with her team after all.

Unsurprisingly, they all behaved after that.

The four continued doing what they had been doing before. John and Teyla awing over the baby clothing that had been sent, the military commander eventually moving Kanaan to be cradled in his arms instead of sitting on his knee. The head scientist himself eventually gave a superior 'ha!' when he successfully managed to put the mobile together, moving on to the car-seat to figure out how to best harness it into the 'jumper, considering it had no seat belts. And Ronon continued to inspect the things that apparently humans from Earth used to raise a child, including something called 'Baby Powder'. ...he would like to know why they turned babies into powder.

"I believe I will go put these away in the nursery," Teyla stated, standing up with the box of baby clothing, replaced after she and John had gone through them all. She had moved into bigger quarters that had a side room, converted into a nursery quickly after moving by the three men of her team. An inquiring look was thrown at John. "Will you be able to handle him a bit longer while I attend to this, John? Or would you rather I put him to bed. He _is_ about due for a nap."

John shook his head. "Nah, I can handle him. You go ahead and put away the clothes while me and Kanaan here plot how to ask Uncle Rodney for a puddle jumper shaped nightlight."

"Ha," laughed Rodney, glancing up long enough to smirk at John. "I'd like to see you try, Sheppard."

Ronon, still going through the box of various things, grinned. "He could start by stopping having sex with you."

Blanching, Rodney remembered how John had outlasted him by two weeks after he had commented that he could last longer then the pilot without sex. Rodney had only made it to three days... By the first week it was obvious to the rest of the team that the scientist was going to crack if he didn't get his boyfriend back into bed with him, but John had remained stubborn. "...right, right, I'll get started on that nightlight tomorrow morning. Err, puddle jumper, right?"

Ronon smirked.

John grinned.

Kanaan practiced on his spit bubbles.

Sighing and shaking her head, there was a small smile of amusement on Teyla's face. "Boys," she quietly muttered to herself in affection as she moved into the nursery with the box of baby clothing.

Still grinning, John looked down at Kanaan to check on him. The little boy was always freakishly quiet, something he must of gotten from his mother because John had never seen a baby that quiet before. Kanaan looked back up at John, only to yawn cutely and rub at his eyes with his tiny hands.

John could feel his heart melting...

"We're not getting one of those, I hope you know," Rodney commented, having looked up from the car-seat to check on John himself, always disturbed when he was that quiet, just as the pilot was about Kanaan. It wasn't natural, a quiet John Sheppard. When he was angry, sure. But when he was in a good mood? NOT. NATURAL. The awed look on John's face though had given him away. "There is no way we're going to have kids, colonel, so don't even think about it."

"I wasn't..." muttered John, having been thinking just that. He'd make a great dad. And Rodney would be a fantastic one. He promised himself to look into adoption later, pretty positive there was no way the Ancients could have made a machine that incubated babies or made a man pregnant.

"Please, as if I don't know your 'I want one' look by now," snorted the scientist.

"I wasn't!"

Ronon ignored his teammates in favor of a box with a picture of a familiar looking object on it that he had just found. He could remember Carson the first year Ronon had joined the people of Atlantis telling him about how he still mistrusted some of the Ancients machines and preferred their Earth-made counterparts instead. At the time the Satedean had been suffering from a cold and Carson had wanted to take his temperature.

Wondering if babies really needed them too, Ronon opened the box holding the thermometer. There had been some funny word on the box between 'Baby' and 'Thermometer' that began with an 'R'. Ronon didn't think anything about it, still grasping how to read English. Remembering how Carson had took his temperature, he stuck the thermometer in his mouth.

Catching the movement out of the corner of his eye, John stopped bickering with Rodney and looked at Ronon curiously. He stared at the thermometer sticking out of his teammate's mouth, stunned at what he was seeing. "Um, Ronon? What are you doing over there buddy?"

Rodney, now just as curious, turned his own head to see what the former Runner was up to. He made a startled noise at seeing the thermometer sticking out of the man's mouth and instantly reached for the box that had been discarded earlier. He blanched at what he read and then held it up for John to see.

"Making sure this thing works," Ronon replied, or at least that was what it sounded like considering the thermometer was still in his mouth. "Beckett took my temperature this way when I got sick when I first got here." He raised an eyebrow curiously at his teammates various expressions when they looked at the box. "What?"

"Buddy? You might want to spit that out," hesitantly answered John, giving the box a worried look. Hazel eyes glanced at Ronon squeamishly. "That thermometer doesn't work the same way as the other one that Carson gave you did."

Ronon just stared.

"Let's just say it was... built differently then the other one was. It has to go in your- You know what? Let's just say I told you where it's supposed to go and spit that out right now."

Ronon continued to stare.

"Oh for goodness sakes," muttered Rodney. He rolled his eyes. "Grow some balls, Sheppard. You, caveman, that thermometer isn't a oral one, it's a rectal thermometer. Babies are too little to have you stick something in their mouths like that. So you stick _that one_ up their butts."

Eyebrow arched, Ronon pulled the thermometer out of his mouth to stare at it. "Huh," he said just before sticking it back in. "Let's test that, yeah?"

John gapped.

Kanaan practiced his spit bubbles again.

Rodney gave Ronon a speculative look. He looked down and noticed a tube of diaper rash cream. Arching his own eyebrow, Rodney gave Ronon a little superior smirk. "What else will you stick in your mouth that isn't supposed to go there?"

Ronon grinned around the thermometer.

Normally, John would be right in there daring Ronon to do some weird shit too, but he was still holding Kanaan and was therefore feeling rather responsible for the kid's mental state, despite him being too young to understand what was happening. So bravely, Atlantis's military commander stood up and left the room. Maybe he'd find some sanity within Teyla's company...

"Good god that's disgusting! ...here, try this one."

" 'Kay."

Years later, just as Kanaan, all grown up, was about to become a parent himself, John would tell him about some of the crazy things his uncles did while he was growing up. Especially about the rectal thermometer. The young man would stare at his uncle as if he was the one who had done them all, then get a thoughtful look on his face, proclaiming he should of known his Uncle Rodney and Uncle Ronon would do that.

John and Rodney's daughter (much to the expedition's horror, they did find that machine that made men pregnant. At least John had been pretty as a pregnant man...) Lizzie would stare at her cousin in horror. The calm that she seemed to of inherit from her namesake (Elizabeth would have been proud of the girl too. She was a born leader) left her completely in that moment and showed which parent she took after the most. "What?! Are you insane? Uncle Ronon stuck a _rectal thermometer_ in his mouth!"

Kanaan shrugged his shoulders. "At least it wasn't a used one," he would answer, showing just which uncle it was he had spent the most time with. Ronon really had been a bad influence on the boy…

Aiden, Lizzie's little brother (and unlike said sister, born from the machine that incubated babies, much to John's relief. He wasn't too crazy about the stretch marks and being off duty) grinned exactly like his own namesake and showed his inner 'John'. (Ford would have been proud too, the combined DNA of John and Rodney made for some very smart kids, meaning Aiden was an even better explosive expert, to his parents horror.) "Yeah sis, at least Aunt Jeannie didn't send the one she used on Madison when she was little. Now _that_ would have been gross."

"Would you all just shut up, please. Working here," grumbled Rodney, bent over his laptop at his desk. The lovely conversation was taking place in his and John's quarters. He glared at John accusingly. "They're your children, you know."

John grinned at Rodney, fluttering his eyelashes at his husband. "But you were the one who knocked me up, _Rawd_ney."

Rodney glared.

Lizzie buried her face in her hands.

Aiden grinned.

And Kanaan? He made those spit bubbles he had perfected when he was little. Great times.


End file.
